The Green Ogress

Hello all,

I have been away a while and for some reason I cant bring myself to blog.

I was going through my past blogs and seems like each time I am repeating my mistakes only with a different person or situation.

I was sick of reading and writing about the same heartaches and sick of all my self loathing and self pity.

Sick of writing it all and sick of my tears!

I dont want to be this and I dont know how to change from my depressive and over emotional behaviour.

I know I have probably the worst luck ever but I feel sick that I write the same things.. God knows what you all must think of me..

-Marriage obsessed
-Whiner
-self pitying
-over emotional fool
-trusting to a fault
-blind and unable to evaluate human characters etc

I dont want to be who I am and I am tired of being who I am.

So I have turned all my thoughts inside and am letting them churn .. Who knows how it turns out and who knows if its for the better!

All I know is..

I need to concentrate on work even if I hate it because i need the money or i'll be homeless

I need to be strong and stop living in my foolish fantasies and stop dreaming about things I cant have.

I need to make the best of what I have (job,a house etc)

I guess watching all my dreams shatter since a very long time has made me wary of dreaming! or hoping!

I dont need to date nor do I wish to ever! Being single is the best way to live even if it sucks during holidays and festivals or when among smug married friends.

I am not going to keep trying in the hope some day some frog might turn into a prince because thats not how India works the more men I date the more I am branded a slut and the less I date the less the chances of meeting anyone.

Its a Catch 22 and I am choosing not to date- at all. This time it's final.

I dont care if fate throws some nice man again I dont want it.. Okay!!!! I just dont!

No more trying to put myself out there and giving my heart only for it to be stamped on!

No more whinging and moaning about my loss.

No one else seems to be crying for me why should I be the one crying for anyone? Why is it that I help a person along with their problems and when I need someone I am alone?

It's sheer bad choice and I have to remove my rose tinted glasses and be more cynical and not have faith in all humans are good.

Anyway .. I shall not Rant more either. I am taking time off.. I will keep in touch .

Take care everyone!

I just have not had the time to blog or read private posts!

I am waiting for the internet connection at home(buggers take so much time)so i can read all the posts in leisure and not have to sneak it during office hours

Take care all...

I almost yelled at my mother!!

For constantly defending my brother .. She always defends his faults!!

I dont like it..

The reason? If they were small issues which dont really matter I would not even bother.

The reason is big!!

Brother is in a financial mess. He owe's around 1 Lac Rupees(1325 GBP) to his company given Credit card!!

I am not sure how the amount went so huge!!!

He Relocated last year to Chennai(madras) and was give the card to bear expenses of his relocation. Post relocation due to recession the company refused to pay for the credit card!!

Now he says the amount is this huge and that the company is asking him to either pay up or leave organization.

That doesnt seem right to me! My bro has a written document that the company was supposed to foot the bills and then refused due to recession... How can they ask an employee to leave? how will that pay for the credit card?

I dont believe this story..

Now I have had to borrow 10,000 Rupees from someone to give it to brother.

He has been calling mom and asking her to ask people (her friends) for money and I believe that either pay or leave is something he is telling mom to pressurise her into asking her friends for money.

Mom doesnt earn ,she doesnt have any savings.She cannot give him any money. She did contact her old friends to ask for money but they had other issues and couldnt.

Yet mom always defends my brother!!

I hate it!

Festival of Lights!!

Its that time of year again!!!!! Wish you all Joy,peace and prosperity!!

Monsieur my ex called.

He was aware I am single now and no he was not and nor am I thinking of rekindling anything.

He Was basically talking and offering a friendly ear to the fact that I am single again!!!

He made one comment which really was bugging!

He said that he moped for 6 months after i dumped him and that he was never dumped by anyone before me.

I told him clearly that the reason for breakup was that we both want different things. He had made it clear he cant think of a marriage in the future and I wanted to know where our relationship was going.

He said that he didnt want to promise anything but take a day at a time and was the kind of guy who doesnt promise false stuff but believes in delivering on it.

So does he mean to say I ditched him without giving him a chance for proving himself?

I dont know... He finds it cool that I dumped 2 of my ex(including him) and so one time I got dumped was not a big deal ,Said if I was happy with Mr AD while we dated then it was good. Just sad that relationships never work out.

Anyway, I dont understand men!!!!

First they make it clear they can never marry... and then they tell me they needed more time to see how things went?

Well sorry!!!

I am like Monica Geller of Friends!!

I need to know if there is a possibility of marriage and to know where a relstionship is going and if it has a future.

I need to be told that I am loved and important and needed!

I need to be hugged and heard and need to feel secure!

I guess I know what I want and will not settle for less... thats why it hurts!!

yeah just about a month to my brithday!!

Plus another single Birthday!!

I do have a pattern you know..... on my birthday I am always single!!*sigh*

I never have a nice boyfriend who buys me gifts to celebrate my day or even just take me out to dinner etc.

The same can be said about Valentines Day!!

Oh Well I think it's time I made my peace with the fact that I will be single.

Always.

Yay!!!

I now have an 18.5 Inch LCD monitor

With 250 GB Hard Drive, Nvidia Graphics and Wireless Keyboard/Mouse and works!!

Woohooooo

Waiting for a Broadband connecting and oh I did forget to buy Speakers which I will

One of our young engineers passed away today after a long bout of Sickle cell anemia.

He was initially in my team and then moved into Mr. AD's team.

He was just 25 years old.

The entire work place is sad and my team people were there and Mr AD was in the hospital when he was declared dead.

He called me after that crying and upset because he was pretty close friends with him.

May God bless the poor Man's family.

I have been asking friends for suggestions and I found this place adorable.

It's in Baga -Calangute beach( the most popular place) in Goa. It has not listings on internet but they are reasonable and clean.

I called the owner and emailed him and he will be sending me rates and even property photos. In the mean time I chanced upon this blog which has photos of this Cottage

http://www.wend.ca/journal/post/1081

There is also another place which simply Looks Awesome!!! The drawback is thats it will take me 3 hours of Drive from Panjim(capital city of Goa) to South Goa .

http://www.chattai.co.in/accomodationp.htm

Both these are reasonable and I can manage it. The First one has locational advantage that its near all the famous beaches and close to the train/bus station and even has ATM's nearby.

The second one has regular bus serivce but ATM's are not easy to find since its really secluded.

I will keep searching and lets keep fingers crossed that I do get my 5 days of vacation!!!

*EDITED*

First one is Bloody expensive Just got the rates.Let me negotiate

The Hotels cost the earth in Indian Rupees and I need to have friends along to share costs..

I will go bankrupt alone

Since most of my friends are married with kids and might not be fun to baby sit a child in Goa I can forget it

Maybe someother year some other time.

In the mean while I am keep trying to locate a nice hotel/beach hut which wont drain 5 months of my salary in one go!!

In other news...

There are days when I feel fine.. I dont have any dark clouds hovering over my head..

Then there are days of deep dark depression.

Today happens to be a nice day.. I dont feel depressed .I feel OK.

Infact hearing other people discussing Mr AD's Hot ex didnt impact me as much as it would have if I were depressed. It did make my tummy lurch for a fraction of a second but then I was able to go for dinner break without wasting my food.

I may be pessimestic regarding Indian men and ever finding one who has brains and balls and is a human being but besides that flaw i am fine!!

I know soon I will be more than just fine!

He did it today!

Resigned from his position and has decided to take a short Sabbatical.

He is a hot topic today along with his "girlfriend" at the party

*nauseated*

Anyway, I am planning a Goa trip in January.

I have never been on a holiday by myself and its been over 4 years since I took a vacation like 5 days off work.

So this Jan 2010 I am going to go to Goa for 5 days of sun sea and sand and relax.. No I will not indulge in any flings..

This is me time away from it all.