The Green Ogress

I had a chat with my close friend today

She was suggesting she set me up with a few nice single men etc and stuff.

This really got me steamed and I went on a rant-age!

I told her nicely that Indian men suck and that they are pathetic Mummy's boys in adult diapers.

They want girlfriends who are modern and comfortable in their sexuality and stuff but the moment it comes to choosing a wife they start looking for someone from 1950's like their mom.

They have no brains only err their tools which does all their thinking for them.

I was not interested in even looking at another Man because if he cant be man enough to accept me warts and all and look past the so called social stereotypes and appreciate the person I am then they can hold on to their mother's little finger and let their mom's change their diapers for them.

It felt good to really abuse men Indian men.

I am a good person and I deserve to be appreciated for who I am (with my past and my family background)

I know it's probably asking for the impossible in India so be it.

My friend was still trying to pacify me and tell me that it will be okay that there is a nice decent man out there(a millionaire? ) who will love me and accept me exactly as I am.

I have my doubts!!

The search for a councelor was pathetic. There is none listed on google and the one who works sometimes as a consulting councelor at my company was rude over the phone call and I did not feel confortable even setting up an appointment.

Well if I dont find a shrink I will deal with my own issues!!

PS: I still feel nauseous looking at my pics related to Mr Ad and his ex at the party!!

This weekend was a disaster from the word "GO"

The Office Party was a Biggest Disaster as far as I was concerned!!

Mr. AD was initially supposed to drive me tot he party but later called and stated he was unwell and will not be attending party.

Which was fine! I dressed in my olive cord trousers and Black Grape coloured velvet and silk top .I did not attempt to get my hair in order and had no makeup and had mum drive me to party.

I looked like a fruit-not really delish!

I was in zero mood to dress up in skirts for an office party where the gender representation was 99% men and 1 % women and these men will gape and make comments had I worn anything remotely sexy.

So anyway, confident that I still look OK I reached party.

I was circulating and greetings colleagues when this girl in high stilettos and sexy dress walked in. I didn’t know her and wondered if she was probably at the wrong party. Then I saw Mr. AD with her!!

OH JOY!!

Mr. AD then came over to my side with her and introduced us. She was his EX.

Younger.Slimmer.Dressed sexier.Ex.

The ex he told me was terrible and that his Mother had rejected her too

I felt like I was drop kicked in the guts!

Mr. AD told me that she was just a good friend as now I am but the blood had already drained out and breathing was a problem.

I still had him and his Ex sitting next to me and I chatted for over 30 mins with his ex.

I have nothing against her after all. She is just 24 or so.

But I couldn’t stand there anymore and so called mum and left the party after a respectable amount of time without causing any suspicions or scenes.

I then purchased 5 books to read and take my mind off Mr. AD and ex (especially the party where she had her hands on his thighs and touched his face)

I moped and moped at home.

I even called and told him off for being insensitive-maybe I shouldn’t have I should act sophisticated and aloof and stuff like his ex (she danced and basically had fun at the party).He said that she dragged him out and that he got her to party so people stop any speculations about us and that ex has a new boyfriend already.

Anyway... now I feel numb!

I think something has snapped inside and I feel trapped within my own mind. I couldn’t sleep for more than 3 hours a day and the insomnia was enough to kill me and each time I woke up I kept reading the books I bought (Twilight series).

I think I need to see a counselor. I really do!

I feel depressed and my friends who were with me throughout the weekend to cheer me up told me she and her hubby felt like I was drifting away and not really with them.

I think a few counseling sessions and a couple of sleeping pills might help me... The depression just refuses to go away...

I am irritable and gloomy and I don’t even talk at home.

My friend has suggested a makeover and shopping to cheer me up and I am not sure anything will help.

When I stop reading my books I start thinking and when I start thinking I get more depressed and don’t sleep and feel like I am a Ghost.

I am going to get a shrink... The years and years of suppressing my pain and past are resurfacing with a vengeance.

My mind is screaming even though I am outwardly calm, and I feel like running away.

PF September 25 at 3:45am

Hi Agata! Guess what? I am single again!! The man I was dating decided to breakup because he had issues with his mom not ready to accept me at all. His mom had not even met me, the fact that I didn?t belong to his community, didnt speak his native language, was a year older and had parents who were divorced made his mom dislike me! We are also trying to be friends and he still wants to meet me sometimes and hang out and call me but no "relationship" anymore. Yesterday he even called and told me he misses me. God knows! I was totally bummed and upset.. I am trying to move on and get over it. It?s really difficult. How are you? Did you get that job in America? Take care PF

Agata September 25 at 5:13pm

Oh baby! Why are they all like that?? If only I could get him and kick his ass!! I'm so sorry for you; I know very well how you're feeling Wish I could give you a hug.. You should get yourself a European bf, they don't have issues with their moms.. usually. At least he called you.. After my ex left me, I never heard from him that he missed me, instead each time I contacted him he was happy he made the right decision. He also asked me to be his friend, but he treats me like if he had never met me, ignoring me in every possible way, while I can see the contrast how he treats his other (girl) friends. I was going mad when he went to Africa without any preparation, I tried to text him - and it just didn't work. I tried to call him - no connection. I was so fucking worried about that bastard that something might have happened to him. But he simply didn't bother to answer my calls, even that I was calling him like crazy! While he's got his other (girl) friend that he always calls when he's away, not looking at the prices of roaming, and he'd answer her call in the middle of the night at the other end of the world. Now he's back, and he didn't even bother to contact me, not even write me a message. And we're on the same photography forum (where I actually met him), and he's constantly ignoring me (while chatting to his other, more important (girl) friends, and praising their photos). And this actually hurts me more than the breakup, because I can understand he didn't love me - let's say you can't control your heart and you sometimes make mistakes. But how he treats me now is a conscious decision, and just shows that he doesn't care at all. Then why the hell did he ask me to be his friend? I guess just to feel less guilty for what he did. So as you can see... I believed a friendship could work... but for me, it doesn't work. Maybe it's something wrong with me, maybe I just expect too much. But when I call someone a friend, I don't ignore them. I give all myself, and I expect something in return, too. And I figured out some men only bother to give you anything and make any effort as long as they still believe in the possibility of going to bed with you. Once that's gone, they don't bother to think about you even for a fraction of a second. Having said that, I hope you'll find peace with your ex, I know how difficult it is... I still care and it still hurts, and I didn't find the peace yet. I still have days when I miss him like crazy, when I'd like to talk to him, hear his voice... and days when I hate him. And days when I wonder what I did wrong... So I perfectly know the hell you're going through now Big hugs PF! I seriously hate men; they just do too much harm. They should be kept in cages like dangerous animals, and fed only when they deserve it. I don't think I'll be able to trust any man ever again. They are all fucking liars! I regret I'm not a lesbian, I wish I could just be with another girl - women have way more empathy (men don't even know what this word means), they know your needs because they need the same, and they are givers, thinking about the other person. Not just about what they have in their pants. If a lesbian fell in love with me... I'd seriously consider it! My job.. Sorry I didn't send you a postcard from Seattle, but I actually spent only one night there and then kept driving around, so didn't have an opportunity to send postacrds But I got the job, and I'll be moving to the States in the next 6-8 weeks! So you'll get your postcard from the USA! Right now I'm still going through my visa process (pain in the ass), but after that's finished, I'll start packing suitcases. Hope you'll visit me in Seattle one day! :-) Lots & lots of hugs baby! xxx Agata

Agata September 25 at 6:22pm

PS. He wasn't worth you.. if his mom is more important to him than you, just imagine what a life you'd have with him. If his parents are so narrow-minded, chances are, he's quite narrow-minded too, if he allows them to make decisions for him. Or maybe it was just an excellent excuse for him.. Let him grow up..

PF September 25 at 10:46pm

Thats Fantastic News!!!! I wish I could get a job and move out ofmy country!! I do wish!! It's star of happy times for you and I will look forward to a postcard from you It's getting depressing to even try and date here,Men run the moment they know I have a history and my parents are also divorced. It's very depressing to explain your history and be reassured that it doesnt matter only to be dumped later on because it did matter to the parents! He felt we would never be happy because his mother is a stubborn person and not the kinds who back away and will end up in fights and then He is also controlling and I am the sort who needs a little space which doesn?t mean I am being dishonest or a liar and hiding stuff. It's sadly bugging to see such imbeciles instead of men!! I agree I Wish I were a Lesbian now I would also have to consider that avenue.. but in India though now same sex relationship is legal but it?s till not acceptable. Too many social prejudices and boundaries to let a person live and breathe! Here if you are to be happy then you have to conform if you don?t then you will always be unhappy because people will give you hell. You are right all men are scum and not worthy of any woman.. *hugs* I have been controlling my feelings around mum because I can?t let her see me this upset.. It?s very claustrophobic at the moment... I have an extended weekend and I have to do my best to act normal plus I am meeting him also because we have to attend this office party and he is driving me down as I don?t drive. He calls and says it?s difficult for him and he understands what I am going through.. All the while my mind is screaming why do we have to go through with this? Why can he not stand up and grow up? But I know We agreed to be friends and so I will act normal.. as if it doesn?t matter. Hugs back!! Wish you all the luck in the new job and country!! Take care PF

Mr AD said that to me yesterday over a phone call.

We broke up on Tuesday Last week.

Last week on Wednesday I was at home drowing in tears!!

What do I do to celebrate my single(once again) status?

Open a Champange? the finest? or wine?

Or do what I am right now- at work trying to forget it ever happened.

Forget that when it was good it was just beautiful!!!

Mr AD and I still chat sometimes. Like yesterday when he asked me how I was keeping?

I could nod and say "fine"!!!

We have a office party on Saturday and he has graciously offered to drive me there to save me from asking my mom driving me there and waiting for 30 mins or so window shopping while I make an appearence and return.

I told him he doesnt have to..

But he still says he wants to.

I dont know is it mixed signals? or maybe its just him being friendly!!

Could be guilt too.. never know.

I have locked up my feelings for him in a box inside and kept it aside. I dont react much anymore to his presence. Though looking at him is still an issue.

I cant look into his eyes and talk.

I guess in a few months I will find this all funny and laugh at my own silliness. My pathetic Need to love and be loved in return.

The need for security and a person who I can always trust to be there for me as I for him.

Silly Romance Books crap I guess.

I should have never read those Mills and Boons or the Woman's Weekly love stories of the 1950's

The Healing Process has started, with some help.

Malakeas called me on Late Friday night (EST) which was 7.30 AM my time. We had a loooooooooong chat. I dont know what I would do if I didnt have you guys with me. Mala Helped ,she let me talk(oops) and gave me sound advice and even made me laugh!!

Thank you Mala!! *BIG HUGS*

I was a slop and moped around in house on Saturday and couldnt sleep for more than 3 hours for somereason. Late Saturday night my close friend and her Hubby dropped in and dragged me and mom to their place for dinner ,we had good food and a great time.

Then Sunday I felt tried as I couldnt sleep on Saturday night at all. I sent Mr AD a text saying "I forgive you for all which happened". The reason I did that is if I harbour any hatred It will drag on and keep me from getting over him sooner.

I was lazing at home and thinking of the beers I have in my fridge when Mr AD called. He wanted to meet and talk.

So we met for an hour and talked in his car. All the while I was not looking at home at all because I didnt trust the damned tears which might start any moment. I managed to not shed a single.

I told him that we could never work out (irrespective of his mother's attitude) because I need to feel trusted and secure and need somone who understands my need for a little space. if i get that Then I can be myself around a person and be comfortable without the need to lie. He is controlling and needs to know everything now... Which is not me!

I was brought up in a way that if I ever did hide stuff my mom would tell me she will wait for me to tell her the truth. I automatically told her the truth even if a few days/weeks later.

Plus I will never allow(not even his family) to ever insult my mother or her past. So unless he can be strong enough to stand up for me and him ,it can not work.

I told him that he is controlled by his mom and even though I understand that we owe our parents a lot for the things they have done for us, it should never be at the cost of our personal happiness. I told him that I owe my mom a lot too and will do whatever she asks' me to but not at the cost of my happiness because I know my mom will want me to be happy than to just follow her orders and make herself happy. Thats Plain selfish!

He was crying(well there were a few tears) and told me he is not ready to even think of fighting his mom. He is not ready to take sides or things like that.

I told him again that life is not very easy and nor is marriage. And he will have to stand up for his wife /Girlfriend (whoever she maybe) sometime in the future because his mom will never backout. So if he thinks by breaking up with me he has saved himself that trouble then he is soooo wrong!!

Anyway he and I talked it out and reached an amicable conclusion. It's over!!!

He apologized for hurting me! Kept saying he cannot find himself a better girl than me even if he tried.

He wants us to be friends!

I said I was okay but need time to get over it all then I can be friends... He wanted to know if he can call me sometimes (later not now).

He then hugged me( I did not hug him back ), he was upset that I did not hug him back.

I told him after all we have been through right now I need physical distance because any contact will break my resolve.

Over all.. It's over!!

I still hate that cow(his mom)

This made me laugh *sniggers*

Read "Carefully"

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

A friend called me and told me she is getting Married!

Another married friend called me to share the new of her pregnancy.

Everyone is moving in life and experiencing love and family and the changes it brings.

I however face only changes which bring tears and heartache!!!

How is it that everyone I know is getting married or having babies and in love?

I guess I am Jinxed!!

I mean look at me- I had 3 relationships and not one worked!! These people had either one relationship before they married or married the first man they loved!

How is it that those men arent mummy's boy's? Or have the guts to fight for the one they love?

PS: Mumbai visit to cousins cancelled as they are also going somewhere...

I am DREADING the weekend. The 1st weekend post breakup. Usually I was super excited about weekends - we did spend so many lovely hours together

I was feeling all better at work after talking to my Cousin.

Then I reached home and saw the quilt we purchased just 2 weeks ago and the couch we sat on.. The fresh wave of tears came flooding.

I couldnt sleep or watch TV or read. I tried. I was up till 9 AM and then slept till 3 PM.

I am going to Mumbai this weekend. Away from this place and from my flat which seems like a graveyard of our Memories.

My Uncle called and said something which made me choke up and couldnt even reply because I was at work and afraid any words will release more tears.

He said ," We are proud of you and you are a brave strong bold girl.You will find someone better".

Anyway a Weekend with family and cousins will probably help me a lot.

I feel a lot better!!

I spoke for hours with my Cousin Brother (In India Cousins like frist cousins are considered Brother's and sisters') in Mumbai.

He gave me the Man's perspective and he didnt mince words or make excuses for the way men behave around their mum.

I talked and talked and told him stuff I cant tell mom for the fear of hurting her. Told him how his Mom wanted to match my astro chart with him and what she really wanted was to match mine with her's and decide if I would be compatible with her(Mr AD told me). I guess she realized I would be a stubborn ass will take no nonsence and so he told Mr AD that I have a temper and am stubborn(who knows).

I told my Cousin everything which happened and how I had always maintained from the beginning that I want to get into a relationship knowing that the Guy can think of long term commitment and that I never lied about my expectations. I mean I didnt want him to propose now.. But I wanted an assurance that he is mature enough to make a decision if and when needed. If we didnt work out due to our personal issues I would have understood. Being rejected because both of us are under the Zodiac sigh Scoprio -which means we are both stubborn and have tempers which fly!! I mean I have a temper (who doesnt? and mostly I have it when I know I am making sence)

Anyway, I told him of the number of times I had to guarantee and prove my trustworthyness and endure the pain of him discovering my blog and blog friends and being questioned about my contact with Oregano and Malaekas. He couldnt stand that I hid being in touch with them even if over emails.

Oregano hasnt called me since probably last year when I had to Quit my ex company. Malaekas called me when I was in US in 2007-2008 and then for the first time in India a few weeks ago.

His insecurity and insistance that I tell him everything.. every tiny thing. I couldnt do that.. I mean i am not conscioulsy not telling ,It's that I need a part of me for myself.. Was I asking for too much? Was I unreasonable?

I dont know maybe My wires are all mixed up and I cant ever do what is the expected thing from an Indian girl.. I do what I feel is right!! It may not be!

So I talked and let it out.. My Cousin and one thing to say which he states he heard from a friend advice another whining Man who was divorcing his wife because of his mother and sister(they didnt like her)

His friend asked that man- (it's kinda of crude) do you like an umbilical cord sticking into you or enjoy sex with your wife?

That was crude but made some sence-that man was divorcing his wife because his mom didnt like her.

Over all taking with him and getting the Man's perspective and then bitching about the alsmot incestuous Indian society where all mom's are in a power struggle with their son's wife.

He told me some cases where a mother will bang onto the couple's door at 5 AM to get the wife out and if they are err "involved" actually shout and ask "what are you doing ,get out now and get ready and start cooking"

Trust me !! these are not stories ,they happen to Indian people because the mom's never stop thinking of their son as a grown up and though want them married and have kids not have sex for fun.

it's a weird twisted society underneath

I really dont!!

I took yesterday off work because the tears wouldnt stop and I was in no mood to let the office folks see me go through a mini breakdown.

I stayed at home I cried for hours, I didnt sleep ,i couldnt eat and damn it I couldnt even finish one can of beer or get drunk..

We exchanged a few Text messages and he even called.

I tried to reason with him -to tell him that if he needs time he can take as much as he wants.. He can stay away and re think get some advice.

He feels he cant work this out because I pushed him into the entire marriage thought and it could be the fact that I am now 28 which made me. Also that though I didnt so much as mention the "M" he knew I implied it. I wanted to know if in the future he could make that sort of commitment and he thinks he cant.

He feels his Mother will not accept me and foresees fights because its possible his mom might be rude or insulting about my mother's past incase there ever was a fight between him and me. He feels incase that happens I wont stand it and he cant handle it. He wont take sides and He wont be able to control his mother. Plus he says his mother feels she wil die in 4-5 years and wants to ensure that the woman he marries is the best choice(Blackmail -she means best choice as per her not him)

I walked around house-reminded of the couch we sat on, the quilt we bought from an outing. Even an empty bottle of wine we got last week would set off a fresh wave of tears.

By the time it was evening I was tired ,puffy eyed and raw with tears.

I couldnt cry in front of mom so I cried when she was sleeping or out. I know she is aware i am upset and so is she but I cant let her see me brekadown because I am her Moral support.

Even my brother called to talk to me and console me. Which was nice.

Then my close friend called and she had nothing but abuses for Mr AD. He stated if she could see him she would strangle him.

Then my uncle and aunt(mum's brother and sister) called in.
Both were very sweet and my Aunt offered that I should go up to her in Mumbai for a weekend because she knows I will get the moral support and change of scene to get over it all.

I barely slept yesterday and today early morning I got a text from him( I had sent a text earlier that I am sorry for bugging him so much and that i dont wish to come across as clingy stalking ex) ,his reply

Mr AD: you will never stalk me ,you never even visited me for when I was sick for a week at home.

This was thoroughly unfair because when he fell sick I was in Mumbai and i was constantly in touch with him. He doesnt hate his mother who left him all alone to go meet friends and family for 2 whole days. What mom doesnt know her child is unwell? is she blind?

Anyway- I replied that he was being unfair and that he knew what my limitations were.

I even got a text from him which said:

Mr AD: if you had really wanted me you would have found a way to work it out.

This gave me hope that he was ready to sit and discuss.

He texted: We could maybe meet today

I got my hopes up. Maybe he was coming to his sences. I was a fooool.

I realized when after suggesting we meet he stopped replying to my text on when,where and how?

Then it struck me!! He didnt want to meet,he didnt want to work it out. He was suggesting I had my chance and I blew it by being obsessed about marriage.I asked him from Day one if he was ready to consider a long term commitment.. he has then said yes!!

I cant even say I was good in bed so thats the reason he said"yes"!

I sent a text: You dont have to meet... God I am such a fool.

He then calls me and is all cold. He tells there is not much to talk even though he would like to meet but to explain his theory (*and his fears and his lack of maturity and courage).

He cant go agaist his mom's wishes and He cant be happy with me incase his mom doesnt approve and he feels there are somethings we will nto agree on and thats going to be a problem.

I guess I asked for it. But atleast now I know there is no scope.

I cried to sleep int he early hours today.

I finally accpeted that he will have no courage to ever deal with his family for my acceptability.

I might take a break and visit my cousins who are being very supportive and already my Sister-in-law and cousin have invited me for a stay at Bangalore or Mumbai.

He finally did pick up call and asked me to never call him again!!!

He stated he feels pressurized to marry me and that he is not sure he can ever marry me!He is spooked that I know I want to someday marry him even if two years down the line but he doesnt know that.

He also cannot break up in person because he feels he doesnt have the strength to.

He also said his Mom wants a younger girl of their own community with a better family background and probably more money for "unofficial" dowry!!!

He stated he loves me still but he can never be happy with me!!

He feels that he met my mother too soon.

Very Pathetic..

I keep crying and I even tried calling him to ask him to speak to me and break up with me in person.

I atleast deserve a decent breakup atleast? more than a 5 min phonecall.

But no apparently I dont..

I am scum.. Forgotten.. History

He broke up with me!!

About 20 mins ago.

Over a phone call.

He had some long discussion with his mom.

He feels he we cant work out because of parental opposition.

He now feels he is not ready for marriage.

His mom is a witch

After all the promises ,

All our tiffs,

all my efforts to make it work,

All the self loathing for not being near perfect for him,

to make him see his mom's opposition is temporary,

Asking him to be strong for us.

At the end of it all every Man is a bastard!!

I am left crying over it all !!

Relationship Count: 3

Times Dumped/Rejected :3

It might be Goodbye for Mr AD and me!!

the preliminary Astro chart result was that I have a brilliant chart however the match with him has glitches

As per my Chat findings, I am:

1. Hot headed and tempered
2. Can stand my ground very firmly
3. will always be worried due to my mother and brother so will hinder happiness and perfect bliss.

The good thing is that

1. I am understanding

Now Mr AD is equally hot tempered more stubborn than I am and will stand his ground and never back off from an arguement till he proves his point.

We apparently Clash here- both have tempers.

I have a temper(who doesnt?) but I know I can control it. I know I am not unreasonably stubborn( I think and hope I am not) .

Mr AD is upset and confused. He is afraid to commit and needs time to think over. He is unable to make a decision because he feels he is too stubborn and hot headed and cant think he can ever make adjustments to those.

I could not help him there.

All I had to say was thata marriage is not a war between whats right and whats wrong but how much do you care about the relationship to let go of minor things and focus on whats really important-the person you love.

He cant always think - I am right and I will not back out of an arguement . What if I am being unreasonable and feel I am right too? Someone has to calm down and make that exception and let go. I am ready to make adjustments on a lot of things but then he should meet me there equally.

This is not a courtroom and we are not playing Judge and decide in black and white... there has to be some grey -some letting go ,some adjustment some (dreaded word) compromise for the sake of our happiness.

He was not sure and he said he was not sure if he can make those adjustments/compromises and of letting go.

I know I should make it easy for him and tell him-lets break-up now before it's too late.

But I want him to do it..
Him to make up his mind and call it off..

So that if ever he has to look back he knows he made that choice and I didnt make it for him.

I told him I am used to "bad" news. The best way to tell me is to just not sugar coat it.

I guess a lifetime of "bad news" makes me well versed with how to deal with it.

*sighs*

My brother is in town and he wanted to meet Mr AD because he knows he met my mother and things were serious.

I dont know how to break the news that there just might be a big chance We all never see Mr AD again.

Oh well.. I guess I have to wait and watch.

*doesnt mean I am not upset ..I am and I feel like my heart is being ripped-once again*

This is the day my dad was Born.

I called him today and wished him and felt bad when he said he is home alone cooking for himself and not going out anywhere and no one's coming over either.

He is now an old man and he is regretting giving us up and not having a family.

Anyway,He invited me to visit him around 1st week december so we can go out party etc.

Lets see my home town is around 30 hours away by train and around 8 hours flight time depending on the connections as there is no direct flight and I have to take a connecting from Delhi.

Lets see if my company will grant me leave for 8 days or so.