This is difficult to write and it’s something I'm very closed about.
I know reading this will make you feel uncomfortable.

The reason is because no one can understand what i went through and it's hurts when someone tries to tell you "its okay it’s past". I know It's past but it left scars i can erase for life.

As a teen i was sexually and physically abused. I went through a phase where i was depressed and suicidal.

I remember that day 10 years ago clearly. Cant believe it was 10 years ago.

I was beaten up by and man in service when i was 16 and my mother got the worst because she tried to save me.The man was drunk and I am not sure why he attacked us in the first place.

All i know is that he hit me and picked me up and threw me on the concrete floor, my mother tried to save me and in return got beaten up badly.

She had cracked ribs and was bleeding and had internal blood clots -bed ridden for a month. I had bruises and hurt my spine.

We ran from out house post that to save our lives because we feared after we launched a police complaint that he would come back to kill us at night.

We got mother treated and pleaded a lot to the law to help us. Instead the Culprit filed a counter complaint on me for being a juvenile delinquent and attacking him(??)

During those times mother hired a physiotherapist to cure the spine injury.

That Man instead of curing my injury grabbed me and pulled my clothes off to feel my breasts and also hand over my crotch(thankfully i was wearing denims and grabbed his hand when he tried to unbutton).He didnt do anything besides feel and i was in such a mental state of shock i just didnt react,didnt scream it felt like my mind went numb and i couldnt feel anymore.Just got up buttoned myself and left

I clearly remember that his parting word were "you are such an innocent" as i walked out.

At home i went into the bathroom took a loofah and scrubbed my body so hard i bad scratch marks and sore skin all over.But i still felt numb.

I never told my mother this but stopped my treatment(mum was still bedridden & lawyers fighting my case)

I felt detached!

Since then sex repulsed me and i hated to show my body. I wore clothes which were 4 sizes too large and resembled sacks.

That was a reason why I never had boyfriends and when i finally did have one when he touched me i went numb as if my mind just rejected anyone touching me.

I dated him for 3 years but physically i couldnt connect with him because he always made fun of what happened to me and my past. Always told me "It was years ago get over it".He treated me like i have no brains no feelings and am just a pretty face to showoff..

I know know i dated him because i was vulnerable and lonely and he was safe.He never really got through the layers of barriers i had created.

Maybe it's not all his fault that he cheated on me... after all he thought i was emotionally and physically frigid.

Now i think i am over it however i still feel that my mind can detach itself and not feel..Scares me that i can never really have a relationship(physical or otherwise) because of this.