The Green Ogress

It's 9 days before i turn the dreaded 28

BRRR

PS: I got internet at home and i am all setup..

Skype is ready for those who wish to call me

Mala: heads up I added you on Skype

Hello all,

I have been away a while and for some reason I cant bring myself to blog.

I was going through my past blogs and seems like each time I am repeating my mistakes only with a different person or situation.

I was sick of reading and writing about the same heartaches and sick of all my self loathing and self pity.

Sick of writing it all and sick of my tears!

I dont want to be this and I dont know how to change from my depressive and over emotional behaviour.

I know I have probably the worst luck ever but I feel sick that I write the same things.. God knows what you all must think of me..

-Marriage obsessed
-Whiner
-self pitying
-over emotional fool
-trusting to a fault
-blind and unable to evaluate human characters etc

I dont want to be who I am and I am tired of being who I am.

So I have turned all my thoughts inside and am letting them churn .. Who knows how it turns out and who knows if its for the better!

All I know is..

I need to concentrate on work even if I hate it because i need the money or i'll be homeless

I need to be strong and stop living in my foolish fantasies and stop dreaming about things I cant have.

I need to make the best of what I have (job,a house etc)

I guess watching all my dreams shatter since a very long time has made me wary of dreaming! or hoping!

I dont need to date nor do I wish to ever! Being single is the best way to live even if it sucks during holidays and festivals or when among smug married friends.

I am not going to keep trying in the hope some day some frog might turn into a prince because thats not how India works the more men I date the more I am branded a slut and the less I date the less the chances of meeting anyone.

Its a Catch 22 and I am choosing not to date- at all. This time it's final.

I dont care if fate throws some nice man again I dont want it.. Okay!!!! I just dont!

No more trying to put myself out there and giving my heart only for it to be stamped on!

No more whinging and moaning about my loss.

No one else seems to be crying for me why should I be the one crying for anyone? Why is it that I help a person along with their problems and when I need someone I am alone?

It's sheer bad choice and I have to remove my rose tinted glasses and be more cynical and not have faith in all humans are good.

Anyway .. I shall not Rant more either. I am taking time off.. I will keep in touch .

Take care everyone!

I just have not had the time to blog or read private posts!

I am waiting for the internet connection at home(buggers take so much time)so i can read all the posts in leisure and not have to sneak it during office hours

Take care all...

I almost yelled at my mother!!

For constantly defending my brother .. She always defends his faults!!

I dont like it..

The reason? If they were small issues which dont really matter I would not even bother.

The reason is big!!

Brother is in a financial mess. He owe's around 1 Lac Rupees(1325 GBP) to his company given Credit card!!

I am not sure how the amount went so huge!!!

He Relocated last year to Chennai(madras) and was give the card to bear expenses of his relocation. Post relocation due to recession the company refused to pay for the credit card!!

Now he says the amount is this huge and that the company is asking him to either pay up or leave organization.

That doesnt seem right to me! My bro has a written document that the company was supposed to foot the bills and then refused due to recession... How can they ask an employee to leave? how will that pay for the credit card?

I dont believe this story..

Now I have had to borrow 10,000 Rupees from someone to give it to brother.

He has been calling mom and asking her to ask people (her friends) for money and I believe that either pay or leave is something he is telling mom to pressurise her into asking her friends for money.

Mom doesnt earn ,she doesnt have any savings.She cannot give him any money. She did contact her old friends to ask for money but they had other issues and couldnt.

Yet mom always defends my brother!!

I hate it!

Festival of Lights!!

Its that time of year again!!!!! Wish you all Joy,peace and prosperity!!

Monsieur my ex called.

He was aware I am single now and no he was not and nor am I thinking of rekindling anything.

He Was basically talking and offering a friendly ear to the fact that I am single again!!!

He made one comment which really was bugging!

He said that he moped for 6 months after i dumped him and that he was never dumped by anyone before me.

I told him clearly that the reason for breakup was that we both want different things. He had made it clear he cant think of a marriage in the future and I wanted to know where our relationship was going.

He said that he didnt want to promise anything but take a day at a time and was the kind of guy who doesnt promise false stuff but believes in delivering on it.

So does he mean to say I ditched him without giving him a chance for proving himself?

I dont know... He finds it cool that I dumped 2 of my ex(including him) and so one time I got dumped was not a big deal ,Said if I was happy with Mr AD while we dated then it was good. Just sad that relationships never work out.

Anyway, I dont understand men!!!!

First they make it clear they can never marry... and then they tell me they needed more time to see how things went?

Well sorry!!!

I am like Monica Geller of Friends!!

I need to know if there is a possibility of marriage and to know where a relstionship is going and if it has a future.

I need to be told that I am loved and important and needed!

I need to be hugged and heard and need to feel secure!

I guess I know what I want and will not settle for less... thats why it hurts!!

yeah just about a month to my brithday!!

Plus another single Birthday!!

I do have a pattern you know..... on my birthday I am always single!!*sigh*

I never have a nice boyfriend who buys me gifts to celebrate my day or even just take me out to dinner etc.

The same can be said about Valentines Day!!

Oh Well I think it's time I made my peace with the fact that I will be single.

Always.

Yay!!!

I now have an 18.5 Inch LCD monitor

With 250 GB Hard Drive, Nvidia Graphics and Wireless Keyboard/Mouse and works!!

Woohooooo

Waiting for a Broadband connecting and oh I did forget to buy Speakers which I will

One of our young engineers passed away today after a long bout of Sickle cell anemia.

He was initially in my team and then moved into Mr. AD's team.

He was just 25 years old.

The entire work place is sad and my team people were there and Mr AD was in the hospital when he was declared dead.

He called me after that crying and upset because he was pretty close friends with him.

May God bless the poor Man's family.

I have been asking friends for suggestions and I found this place adorable.

It's in Baga -Calangute beach( the most popular place) in Goa. It has not listings on internet but they are reasonable and clean.

I called the owner and emailed him and he will be sending me rates and even property photos. In the mean time I chanced upon this blog which has photos of this Cottage

http://www.wend.ca/journal/post/1081

There is also another place which simply Looks Awesome!!! The drawback is thats it will take me 3 hours of Drive from Panjim(capital city of Goa) to South Goa .

http://www.chattai.co.in/accomodationp.htm

Both these are reasonable and I can manage it. The First one has locational advantage that its near all the famous beaches and close to the train/bus station and even has ATM's nearby.

The second one has regular bus serivce but ATM's are not easy to find since its really secluded.

I will keep searching and lets keep fingers crossed that I do get my 5 days of vacation!!!

*EDITED*

First one is Bloody expensive Just got the rates.Let me negotiate

The Hotels cost the earth in Indian Rupees and I need to have friends along to share costs..

I will go bankrupt alone

Since most of my friends are married with kids and might not be fun to baby sit a child in Goa I can forget it

Maybe someother year some other time.

In the mean while I am keep trying to locate a nice hotel/beach hut which wont drain 5 months of my salary in one go!!

In other news...

There are days when I feel fine.. I dont have any dark clouds hovering over my head..

Then there are days of deep dark depression.

Today happens to be a nice day.. I dont feel depressed .I feel OK.

Infact hearing other people discussing Mr AD's Hot ex didnt impact me as much as it would have if I were depressed. It did make my tummy lurch for a fraction of a second but then I was able to go for dinner break without wasting my food.

I may be pessimestic regarding Indian men and ever finding one who has brains and balls and is a human being but besides that flaw i am fine!!

I know soon I will be more than just fine!

He did it today!

Resigned from his position and has decided to take a short Sabbatical.

He is a hot topic today along with his "girlfriend" at the party

*nauseated*

Anyway, I am planning a Goa trip in January.

I have never been on a holiday by myself and its been over 4 years since I took a vacation like 5 days off work.

So this Jan 2010 I am going to go to Goa for 5 days of sun sea and sand and relax.. No I will not indulge in any flings..

This is me time away from it all.

I had a chat with my close friend today

She was suggesting she set me up with a few nice single men etc and stuff.

This really got me steamed and I went on a rant-age!

I told her nicely that Indian men suck and that they are pathetic Mummy's boys in adult diapers.

They want girlfriends who are modern and comfortable in their sexuality and stuff but the moment it comes to choosing a wife they start looking for someone from 1950's like their mom.

They have no brains only err their tools which does all their thinking for them.

I was not interested in even looking at another Man because if he cant be man enough to accept me warts and all and look past the so called social stereotypes and appreciate the person I am then they can hold on to their mother's little finger and let their mom's change their diapers for them.

It felt good to really abuse men Indian men.

I am a good person and I deserve to be appreciated for who I am (with my past and my family background)

I know it's probably asking for the impossible in India so be it.

My friend was still trying to pacify me and tell me that it will be okay that there is a nice decent man out there(a millionaire? ) who will love me and accept me exactly as I am.

I have my doubts!!

The search for a councelor was pathetic. There is none listed on google and the one who works sometimes as a consulting councelor at my company was rude over the phone call and I did not feel confortable even setting up an appointment.

Well if I dont find a shrink I will deal with my own issues!!

PS: I still feel nauseous looking at my pics related to Mr Ad and his ex at the party!!

This weekend was a disaster from the word "GO"

The Office Party was a Biggest Disaster as far as I was concerned!!

Mr. AD was initially supposed to drive me tot he party but later called and stated he was unwell and will not be attending party.

Which was fine! I dressed in my olive cord trousers and Black Grape coloured velvet and silk top .I did not attempt to get my hair in order and had no makeup and had mum drive me to party.

I looked like a fruit-not really delish!

I was in zero mood to dress up in skirts for an office party where the gender representation was 99% men and 1 % women and these men will gape and make comments had I worn anything remotely sexy.

So anyway, confident that I still look OK I reached party.

I was circulating and greetings colleagues when this girl in high stilettos and sexy dress walked in. I didn’t know her and wondered if she was probably at the wrong party. Then I saw Mr. AD with her!!

OH JOY!!

Mr. AD then came over to my side with her and introduced us. She was his EX.

Younger.Slimmer.Dressed sexier.Ex.

The ex he told me was terrible and that his Mother had rejected her too

I felt like I was drop kicked in the guts!

Mr. AD told me that she was just a good friend as now I am but the blood had already drained out and breathing was a problem.

I still had him and his Ex sitting next to me and I chatted for over 30 mins with his ex.

I have nothing against her after all. She is just 24 or so.

But I couldn’t stand there anymore and so called mum and left the party after a respectable amount of time without causing any suspicions or scenes.

I then purchased 5 books to read and take my mind off Mr. AD and ex (especially the party where she had her hands on his thighs and touched his face)

I moped and moped at home.

I even called and told him off for being insensitive-maybe I shouldn’t have I should act sophisticated and aloof and stuff like his ex (she danced and basically had fun at the party).He said that she dragged him out and that he got her to party so people stop any speculations about us and that ex has a new boyfriend already.

Anyway... now I feel numb!

I think something has snapped inside and I feel trapped within my own mind. I couldn’t sleep for more than 3 hours a day and the insomnia was enough to kill me and each time I woke up I kept reading the books I bought (Twilight series).

I think I need to see a counselor. I really do!

I feel depressed and my friends who were with me throughout the weekend to cheer me up told me she and her hubby felt like I was drifting away and not really with them.

I think a few counseling sessions and a couple of sleeping pills might help me... The depression just refuses to go away...

I am irritable and gloomy and I don’t even talk at home.

My friend has suggested a makeover and shopping to cheer me up and I am not sure anything will help.

When I stop reading my books I start thinking and when I start thinking I get more depressed and don’t sleep and feel like I am a Ghost.

I am going to get a shrink... The years and years of suppressing my pain and past are resurfacing with a vengeance.

My mind is screaming even though I am outwardly calm, and I feel like running away.

PF September 25 at 3:45am

Hi Agata! Guess what? I am single again!! The man I was dating decided to breakup because he had issues with his mom not ready to accept me at all. His mom had not even met me, the fact that I didn?t belong to his community, didnt speak his native language, was a year older and had parents who were divorced made his mom dislike me! We are also trying to be friends and he still wants to meet me sometimes and hang out and call me but no "relationship" anymore. Yesterday he even called and told me he misses me. God knows! I was totally bummed and upset.. I am trying to move on and get over it. It?s really difficult. How are you? Did you get that job in America? Take care PF

Agata September 25 at 5:13pm

Oh baby! Why are they all like that?? If only I could get him and kick his ass!! I'm so sorry for you; I know very well how you're feeling Wish I could give you a hug.. You should get yourself a European bf, they don't have issues with their moms.. usually. At least he called you.. After my ex left me, I never heard from him that he missed me, instead each time I contacted him he was happy he made the right decision. He also asked me to be his friend, but he treats me like if he had never met me, ignoring me in every possible way, while I can see the contrast how he treats his other (girl) friends. I was going mad when he went to Africa without any preparation, I tried to text him - and it just didn't work. I tried to call him - no connection. I was so fucking worried about that bastard that something might have happened to him. But he simply didn't bother to answer my calls, even that I was calling him like crazy! While he's got his other (girl) friend that he always calls when he's away, not looking at the prices of roaming, and he'd answer her call in the middle of the night at the other end of the world. Now he's back, and he didn't even bother to contact me, not even write me a message. And we're on the same photography forum (where I actually met him), and he's constantly ignoring me (while chatting to his other, more important (girl) friends, and praising their photos). And this actually hurts me more than the breakup, because I can understand he didn't love me - let's say you can't control your heart and you sometimes make mistakes. But how he treats me now is a conscious decision, and just shows that he doesn't care at all. Then why the hell did he ask me to be his friend? I guess just to feel less guilty for what he did. So as you can see... I believed a friendship could work... but for me, it doesn't work. Maybe it's something wrong with me, maybe I just expect too much. But when I call someone a friend, I don't ignore them. I give all myself, and I expect something in return, too. And I figured out some men only bother to give you anything and make any effort as long as they still believe in the possibility of going to bed with you. Once that's gone, they don't bother to think about you even for a fraction of a second. Having said that, I hope you'll find peace with your ex, I know how difficult it is... I still care and it still hurts, and I didn't find the peace yet. I still have days when I miss him like crazy, when I'd like to talk to him, hear his voice... and days when I hate him. And days when I wonder what I did wrong... So I perfectly know the hell you're going through now Big hugs PF! I seriously hate men; they just do too much harm. They should be kept in cages like dangerous animals, and fed only when they deserve it. I don't think I'll be able to trust any man ever again. They are all fucking liars! I regret I'm not a lesbian, I wish I could just be with another girl - women have way more empathy (men don't even know what this word means), they know your needs because they need the same, and they are givers, thinking about the other person. Not just about what they have in their pants. If a lesbian fell in love with me... I'd seriously consider it! My job.. Sorry I didn't send you a postcard from Seattle, but I actually spent only one night there and then kept driving around, so didn't have an opportunity to send postacrds But I got the job, and I'll be moving to the States in the next 6-8 weeks! So you'll get your postcard from the USA! Right now I'm still going through my visa process (pain in the ass), but after that's finished, I'll start packing suitcases. Hope you'll visit me in Seattle one day! :-) Lots & lots of hugs baby! xxx Agata

Agata September 25 at 6:22pm

PS. He wasn't worth you.. if his mom is more important to him than you, just imagine what a life you'd have with him. If his parents are so narrow-minded, chances are, he's quite narrow-minded too, if he allows them to make decisions for him. Or maybe it was just an excellent excuse for him.. Let him grow up..

PF September 25 at 10:46pm

Thats Fantastic News!!!! I wish I could get a job and move out ofmy country!! I do wish!! It's star of happy times for you and I will look forward to a postcard from you It's getting depressing to even try and date here,Men run the moment they know I have a history and my parents are also divorced. It's very depressing to explain your history and be reassured that it doesnt matter only to be dumped later on because it did matter to the parents! He felt we would never be happy because his mother is a stubborn person and not the kinds who back away and will end up in fights and then He is also controlling and I am the sort who needs a little space which doesn?t mean I am being dishonest or a liar and hiding stuff. It's sadly bugging to see such imbeciles instead of men!! I agree I Wish I were a Lesbian now I would also have to consider that avenue.. but in India though now same sex relationship is legal but it?s till not acceptable. Too many social prejudices and boundaries to let a person live and breathe! Here if you are to be happy then you have to conform if you don?t then you will always be unhappy because people will give you hell. You are right all men are scum and not worthy of any woman.. *hugs* I have been controlling my feelings around mum because I can?t let her see me this upset.. It?s very claustrophobic at the moment... I have an extended weekend and I have to do my best to act normal plus I am meeting him also because we have to attend this office party and he is driving me down as I don?t drive. He calls and says it?s difficult for him and he understands what I am going through.. All the while my mind is screaming why do we have to go through with this? Why can he not stand up and grow up? But I know We agreed to be friends and so I will act normal.. as if it doesn?t matter. Hugs back!! Wish you all the luck in the new job and country!! Take care PF

Mr AD said that to me yesterday over a phone call.

We broke up on Tuesday Last week.

Last week on Wednesday I was at home drowing in tears!!

What do I do to celebrate my single(once again) status?

Open a Champange? the finest? or wine?

Or do what I am right now- at work trying to forget it ever happened.

Forget that when it was good it was just beautiful!!!

Mr AD and I still chat sometimes. Like yesterday when he asked me how I was keeping?

I could nod and say "fine"!!!

We have a office party on Saturday and he has graciously offered to drive me there to save me from asking my mom driving me there and waiting for 30 mins or so window shopping while I make an appearence and return.

I told him he doesnt have to..

But he still says he wants to.

I dont know is it mixed signals? or maybe its just him being friendly!!

Could be guilt too.. never know.

I have locked up my feelings for him in a box inside and kept it aside. I dont react much anymore to his presence. Though looking at him is still an issue.

I cant look into his eyes and talk.

I guess in a few months I will find this all funny and laugh at my own silliness. My pathetic Need to love and be loved in return.

The need for security and a person who I can always trust to be there for me as I for him.

Silly Romance Books crap I guess.

I should have never read those Mills and Boons or the Woman's Weekly love stories of the 1950's

The Healing Process has started, with some help.

Malakeas called me on Late Friday night (EST) which was 7.30 AM my time. We had a loooooooooong chat. I dont know what I would do if I didnt have you guys with me. Mala Helped ,she let me talk(oops) and gave me sound advice and even made me laugh!!

Thank you Mala!! *BIG HUGS*

I was a slop and moped around in house on Saturday and couldnt sleep for more than 3 hours for somereason. Late Saturday night my close friend and her Hubby dropped in and dragged me and mom to their place for dinner ,we had good food and a great time.

Then Sunday I felt tried as I couldnt sleep on Saturday night at all. I sent Mr AD a text saying "I forgive you for all which happened". The reason I did that is if I harbour any hatred It will drag on and keep me from getting over him sooner.

I was lazing at home and thinking of the beers I have in my fridge when Mr AD called. He wanted to meet and talk.

So we met for an hour and talked in his car. All the while I was not looking at home at all because I didnt trust the damned tears which might start any moment. I managed to not shed a single.

I told him that we could never work out (irrespective of his mother's attitude) because I need to feel trusted and secure and need somone who understands my need for a little space. if i get that Then I can be myself around a person and be comfortable without the need to lie. He is controlling and needs to know everything now... Which is not me!

I was brought up in a way that if I ever did hide stuff my mom would tell me she will wait for me to tell her the truth. I automatically told her the truth even if a few days/weeks later.

Plus I will never allow(not even his family) to ever insult my mother or her past. So unless he can be strong enough to stand up for me and him ,it can not work.

I told him that he is controlled by his mom and even though I understand that we owe our parents a lot for the things they have done for us, it should never be at the cost of our personal happiness. I told him that I owe my mom a lot too and will do whatever she asks' me to but not at the cost of my happiness because I know my mom will want me to be happy than to just follow her orders and make herself happy. Thats Plain selfish!

He was crying(well there were a few tears) and told me he is not ready to even think of fighting his mom. He is not ready to take sides or things like that.

I told him again that life is not very easy and nor is marriage. And he will have to stand up for his wife /Girlfriend (whoever she maybe) sometime in the future because his mom will never backout. So if he thinks by breaking up with me he has saved himself that trouble then he is soooo wrong!!

Anyway he and I talked it out and reached an amicable conclusion. It's over!!!

He apologized for hurting me! Kept saying he cannot find himself a better girl than me even if he tried.

He wants us to be friends!

I said I was okay but need time to get over it all then I can be friends... He wanted to know if he can call me sometimes (later not now).

He then hugged me( I did not hug him back ), he was upset that I did not hug him back.

I told him after all we have been through right now I need physical distance because any contact will break my resolve.

Over all.. It's over!!

I still hate that cow(his mom)

This made me laugh *sniggers*

Read "Carefully"

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...